Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 9

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So, two takeaways from this chapter.

#1 – Whoever the killer is, it must be a voyeur.  A person who wants fame.  Why else would the killer be texting Natalie with tips on the other two murder locations?  Or is this the killer at all?  What do you think the texter’s motivations for dropping tips is?

#2 – I love comedy because you can break the rules.  If this were a serious story, then obviously Natalie throwing on a blonde wig and stuffing melons down her shirt would not allow her to pass as one of NN1’s hot ass blonde chicks with big titties, but since this is a comedy, well, let the laughs begin.

Poor Natalie.  The indignities she must endure in the name of getting ahead in the news business.

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Toilet Gator Notes – Chapter 7

I love world building and character development.  Both happen here.

World building – We’ve established that NN1 hires plenty of hot ass blonde chicks with big titties to be reporters.

Now we learn that Walter, in his years as an international traveling camera, was constantly berated and put down by the HABCWBTs.  Thus, he’s tired of being a cameraman and failing on purpose in the hopes that he’ll be forced into retirement with a sweet pension and will never have to work again.

Just when you think you’ve written yourself into a corner, think about the world you’ve created.  I couldn’t have Walter be incompetent throughout the book, as funny as it was in the beginning, so I came up with the backstory that he’d be abused by the buxom reporters and now he wanted out.

Meanwhile, Natalie clearly sees the Countess Cucamonga case as her ticket to big time fame so she figures out how to get Walter how to do his job.crocodile-66886__480

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Network News One – Transcript #2

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Poor Natalie.  She’s back to get more abuse from Kurt.

Here’s where we see the whole “Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties” joke take shape.  Kurt interviews two HABCWBT’s for two separate stories, and we get the impression that basically, only beautiful blonde women with buxom bazongas are allowed to report on Network News One.

Kurt’s an open misogynist, letting Natalie have it for being average in appearance and makes fun of her lack of blonde hair and her small boobs.  I’m sure that men who are workplace pervs do their pervery in more subtle, less open ways but since this is a comedy, Kurt really lets it all hang out, openly mocking Natalie’s appearance.

Funny thing is I never pictured Natalie as ugly per se, just average. Normal.  Not a 10 but not a 1.  Somewhere in the middle.  Kurt’s just so used to 10s that anyone 9 and under disgusts him.

By the way, the key to the humor is that you have to imagine Kurt saying all these horrible things in his stereotypical news anchorman voice.

The NN1 formula develops.

#1 – We come in during a story in progress.  “Witnesses on the scene” are usually saying something.  A story about a boy who resorted to cannibalism, eating his classmates after a crash until help arrives.

#2 – Then come the HABCWBT’s.

#3 – Kurt signs off by telling everyone there is a product in their household that could kill them, so don’t do anything until you find out which product is going to kill you…but sit through the commercials and sports and weather first!

#4 – NN1 motto – “Network News One! The Hottest Blonde Chicks! The biggest titties! Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit!”

By the way, we learn about a conflict in a name with an unpronounceable country and the two warring factions have names that are also a mouthful.  The joke here is that there may be all sorts of intricate, historical reasons for why opposing factions in far off countries are fighting, but for the average American, it just sounds like, “Uh, those guys want to shoot RPGs up the butts of anyone who disagrees with them” and “Uh, those other guys want to hit people who disagree with them in the taint with a machete.”

The HABCWBT sums it up:

Scholars and historians have written extensively on the various nuances surrounding this conflict, but it all basically boils down to the fact that the Do-What-We-Say-or-Take-a-Machete-Up-Your-Taint-tarians believe that everyone should do exactly what they say or else take a machete up their taints, whereas the Obey-Us-or-Get-an-RPG-Up-the-Butt-ians maintain that the country’s citizens must obey them if they do not wish to suffer the indignity of getting rocket propelled grenades shot up their butts.

That’s basically it.  You’re an average American watching TV.  That war thousands and thousands of miles away sounds like, to you, “Uh two groups in a country with a name I can’t pronounce want to kill each other because they hate it when people don’t agree with them.”

Should America get involved in such conflicts?  Honestly, there was a time long ago where I might have said yes but the events of the past twenty years, if anything, have taught us that unfortunately, as much as we hate to see loss of life, these fires have to burn themselves out.

Unless we just want to take over the whole world and make it all like America (we couldn’t and we shouldn’t if we could) we’ll have to accept that bad things will keep happening around the world and getting involved just seems to add more fuel to the fire.

Discuss.

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 6

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I started this book with the idea that an alligator popping out of a toilet to eat people would be funny…for the reader, not so much for the person being eaten, obviously.

I commissioned a cover and once I saw it, I knew I had to do it.

But I had to think…and…think….and then I came up with it.  What if the gator pops out of the toilet, eats the person, then returns to the sewer, undetected?  It’d be the perfect, unsolvable murder.  The cops would just think that some kind of ninja was running around killing people on the toilet.

And so, this fine novel was born.

But I had to come up with funny ways for people to die on the toilet, and at the time of the writing, the whole which gender should be allowed to use which bathroom debate was still somewhat fresh.

I was always disturbed by that debate.  It made me sad that we, as a society, couldn’t have reached an understanding without involving government.  On the one hand, I thought, yeah if you’ve got a dong then go in the men’s room and if you’ve got a snootch then go in the ladies’ room but ok, as the debate raged on the press would interview like, women who looked like dudes and dudes who looked like women and I could see how like, say, a dude in a dress would probably cause more of a stir going in the men’s room than the ladies so….I just wish we all could have exercised some discretion rather than turn to the government.

But you have to admit, the whole idea is funny and rife for parody.  Here, Chad has consumed way too many energy beers and he’s erupting at both ends.  He’s made it to the nearest open bathroom, a ladies’ room, and there is a woman mad he is in there.  She’s about to call the cops and to save himself, Chad cries, “I identify as a chick!” and then the hi-jinx ensue.

I think I was able to poke fun at this whole situation without being mean but what do I know?  Discuss in the comments.

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 5 – First Theme – Put Love Over Sex (And Find Love Early)

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Two Key Themes Here:

FIRST – putting love over sex.

Readers, this might come to you as a shock, but when I was young, I struck out with the ladies all the time.  I had a better chance of winning the money lotto than I did winning the poon lotto, let me tell you.

I got dumped and rejected left and right in my early twenties but oddly enough, in my late twenties, there were a few nice women who were interested in yours truly.  Looking back, that makes sense.  My parents’ generation got married early.  My generation doesn’t start thinking about tying the knot until at least the late 20s, if that.

Idiot that I was, I let all those nice women fly the coop.  See, I was young (in retrospect, I wasn’t but my brain was that of a man child I suppose) and I thought that surely, my life would change for the better.  I’d make a lot of money. I’d become rich and successful.  I’d fix all the bodily flaws that make me lack confidence.  And then it would be babe city.

Really.  I thought I was doing these nice women a favor by going solo and waiting for my big time success and my super fly supermodels to start rolling in.

SPOILER ALERT: they never rolled in.  I know.  A guy writing a blog about a book about a toilet gator?  Hard to believe.

End result is I’m now in my late 30s, way too close to 40.  Never been married.  I doubt I’ll ever have kids.  I still hold out hope but now my biological clock is ticking and I know it will be a matter of time before a) my junk starts shooting spiders instead of primo baby making juice and b) I’ll get so old that if I have a baby, I’ll change the baby’s diapers and then the baby will change my diapers.

I never had that wild, crazy sex lifestyle like Chad had.  When I was young, I wanted it.  I think in our minds, we all want that but that’s just a lifestyle that only happens for a very select few people.

Really, it saddens me it took me till almost 40 to realize that the best you can hope for is someone who has a similar personality, similar interests, someone who is loyal and hey, the good news is that you’ll get regular sex out of it.  The bad news is it is sex with the same person but the good news is that it isn’t like a train of people are waiting to have sex with you so…be real.  It’s this one person that’s willing to see you naked without barfing or its your hand for the rest of your days.  Use your brain.

Ironically, Chad does live that hot sex with a different babe every night lifestyle…but as he reaches his late 20s (10 years on that 2 year degree), you can tell he regrets his choices.  He had Britney.  He loved her.  But he couldn’t control himself.  So he got it on with other chicks.  Fun at the moment but then these dalliances just become a distant memory.  Britney would have been there for him day in and day out and Chad realizes that and feels bad about it now.

Bottomline:  Whether you can actually pull off the sex with multiple partners all the time lifestyle, or you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that will come, sex with one person you connect with for the long haul is the way to go.

You don’t realize it now.  We never learn what we did wrong until it’s too late.  When you are young, you think you’ll be young forever.  Trust me.  However ugly you think you are now, you will never be as good looking as you are now.  When you are 40, you will wish you looked like you do now.

And whatever shortcomings you think your dates have now, that’s nothing compared to the dating pool when you’re 40.  People in their 20s and 30s are still hoping for a happy ending.  People in their late 30s and 40s are just happy if they can find someone who isn’t on drugs and isn’t going to cut out their kidneys and sell them to the Japanese Yakuza.

Seriously.  No joke.  I’m almost 40 and after every date, if I wake up the next morning in my bed and not in the tub filled with ice and a note and a phone and the note says call 911 and the Yakuza owns my kidneys now, then I figure that date was a winner and I’ll call her to go out again.

Don’t be like Chad…or me.  Don’t delude yourself into thinking that multiple trysts = bliss.  Focus your efforts on finding one soulmate.  It’s not the quantity.  It’s the quality.

Find love while you have options.  I don’t care if that girl’s breath stinks.  Get her a mint and commit because damn it, you do not want to see what you’ll be dating at 40.  Just don’t.  I did it for you, OK?  I took the bullet so you don’t have to.

 

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 1

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And now it begins!

I have to give it to Natalie Brock.  She has a lot of chutzpah.  If you want to make it in journalism, you have to go up against dicks like Countess Cucamonga’s manager, Irving St. John.  What a weasel.

Here, I’m also lampooning celebrities who act like they are able to change the world just because they, as a famous person, are saying something.  Is it because they care or is it because they want the exposure necessary to keep their careers going?

Well, you be the judge.  Frankly, I think the Countess makes a good argument vis a vis her butt’s ability to bring about world peace.

What do you think about the prospects of butt peace?  Discuss in the comments.

The First Toilet Gator Blog Post Ever Written

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Hey 0.0 readers.

Your new pal, Bookshelf Q. Battler here.  If you happen upon this post, feel free to check out bookshelfbattle.com

That’s the blog I run for the purposes of entertaining 3.5 and only 3.5 readers.  Never 5.  Never 100.  3.5 and only 3.5.  If you want to become one of the 3.5, feel free to do so.

A quick explanation about what “Toilet Gator: The Blog!” is all about.  Last year, February of 2017, I began writing a book called “Toilet Gator” which, as you might have surmised, is about a toilet gator…who eats people…while they are sitting on the toilet.

You wouldn’t think a book like that would be worth much, but I felt inspired as I wrote it.  It’s got a lot of heart, there’s a genuine mystery involved, it’s funny if I do say so myself, and did I mention people are eaten on the toilet?

At any rate, “Toilet Gator” is with my editor and I hope to release it in 2019.  I’m also working on sequels as we speak.  From time to time, I’ll drop in with updates and discussions (believe it or not, a book about a toilet gator actually raises a lot of important issues.)

More to come.  Stay tuned.  Oh, and do keep your time on the toilet to a minimum, because, well, you didn’t hear it from me but…toilet gators aren’t fiction.