Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 6


I started this book with the idea that an alligator popping out of a toilet to eat people would be funny…for the reader, not so much for the person being eaten, obviously.

I commissioned a cover and once I saw it, I knew I had to do it.

But I had to think…and…think….and then I came up with it.  What if the gator pops out of the toilet, eats the person, then returns to the sewer, undetected?  It’d be the perfect, unsolvable murder.  The cops would just think that some kind of ninja was running around killing people on the toilet.

And so, this fine novel was born.

But I had to come up with funny ways for people to die on the toilet, and at the time of the writing, the whole which gender should be allowed to use which bathroom debate was still somewhat fresh.

I was always disturbed by that debate.  It made me sad that we, as a society, couldn’t have reached an understanding without involving government.  On the one hand, I thought, yeah if you’ve got a dong then go in the men’s room and if you’ve got a snootch then go in the ladies’ room but ok, as the debate raged on the press would interview like, women who looked like dudes and dudes who looked like women and I could see how like, say, a dude in a dress would probably cause more of a stir going in the men’s room than the ladies so….I just wish we all could have exercised some discretion rather than turn to the government.

But you have to admit, the whole idea is funny and rife for parody.  Here, Chad has consumed way too many energy beers and he’s erupting at both ends.  He’s made it to the nearest open bathroom, a ladies’ room, and there is a woman mad he is in there.  She’s about to call the cops and to save himself, Chad cries, “I identify as a chick!” and then the hi-jinx ensue.

I think I was able to poke fun at this whole situation without being mean but what do I know?  Discuss in the comments.

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 5 – Second Theme – The Best Comedy Ridicules Both Sides Equally


I’m going to date myself here, but every kid has fond memories of the first time they are old enough to sneak downstairs on a Saturday night and watch Saturday Night Live for the first time.  Oh, how subversive! Mom and Dad are upstairs, fast asleep and you’re down there, sticking it to the man!

Eh, not so much these days.  Let’s be honest.  Nope, hey, stop sticking your fingers in your ears.  You need to hear this.

SNL doesn’t stick it to the man so much anymore.  Well, let me rephrase that.  It picks a favorite, and then sticks it to the favorite’s opponent.

Put a pin in that.  I’ll come back to it in a moment.

When I first started sneaking downstairs to watch SNL, George H.W. Bush (Bush the Elder) and Bill Clinton were running against each other in the 1992 election.

Both sides were mocked relentlessly and without mercy.

First, Dana Carvey would portray Bush as a whiny little wimp, a grandfatherly know-it-all who tried to pretend like he was cool while he was telling the country to eat its vegetables.  He’d dodder around like a confused old man and poke fun at Bush’s overused catchphrases like, “thousand points of light” and “Wouldn’t be prudent at this juncture.”

Meanwhile, Phil Hartman would play Bill Clinton as a womanizing fast food junkie.  The real Bill made it a point to jog, probably to answer the public’s questions about his flabbiness.

So, Hartman had a skit where he’d jog into a McDonald’s, then say he’s just there for a coffee, then he’d walk around, answering the political questions of random citizens and use their food as props, stealing their meals right off their plates and eating them like an uncontrollable food fiend.

For example, while trying to explain the war in Somalia, he’d steal a patron’s chicken nugget.  See this nugget? It’s a care package sent from the UN.  It’s supposed to get to starving villagers but (he eats it) it has been intercepted by warlords!  (After that, he’d tell the secret service agents that him overeating is the least of what he’s going to need them to not tell Hillary…i.e. his cheating.)

Fun times.  Hey, guess how the writers who wrote those sketches voted in 1992?  If you said they voted for Bill Clinton, you’d be right.  Sure, I never checked but be real.  It’s the entertainment industry.  Honestly, I have no idea, but if Phil Hartman went out and voted for Bill after making fun of Bill, it would not phase me in the slightest.

Imitation, they say, is the highest form of flattery.  Mocking a politician in the third world is a good way to lose your head but in America, if you get mocked on SNL, that’s a sign you’ve made it to the big time.

Everyone was level headed about it.  There was humor to be found in the Republicans.  There was humor to be found in the Democrats.  The writers cared the most about your laughter and if making their preferred candidate look like a fat chicken nugget chomping sex fiend and that doing so might cost him some votes, they did not care.  They cared about making you laugh over all else.

Not so much today.  Look, I’m not saying don’t make fun of Trump.  I mean, holy shit, the man is a billionaire with no filter who says whatever the hell he wants without fear because if you had that much cash on hand, you’d have no filter either.  He’s on his third wife, he’s an old dude that chases models and porn stars, he’s got hair that defies gravity….yeah, there’s a lot to make fun of.  Go for it.

Just don’t hold back on the Dems.  Don’t be like this new crop of quasi-political pundit/comics out there.  Don’t be a Sam Bee or a Michelle Wolf or a Jon Oliver or one of these pro-Dem cheerleaders pretending to be a comedian but instead you’re just regurgitating DNC talking points to a laugh track with a smile on your face.

That, a comedian does not make.

I think SNL lost its way in 2008.  Tina Fey did an absolutely hilarious Sarah Palin.  Don’t get me wrong.  The problem is her Palin was so good the public started thinking that Sarah had said things that Tina had said in her impression.  But whatever.  Tina’s job was to make you laugh and she did.

Problem is I think SNL learned the power that comedy can have on elections and they held back on their preferred politicians ever since.

Think about it.  Can you think of one good skit that made fun of Obama?  First, for some crazy reason, they had Fred Armisen play him for four years, then finally they found Jay Pharaoh who actually did a good Obama impression in Obama’s second term.

They never really made fun of Obama though so much as they portrayed him as the only brain in a room full of fools.  I don’t know.  I’ll give it to Obama that he was a gifted orator, but a good comedian can find comedy everywhere.  Put me on the SNL writing staff from 2008 – 2016 and I’d of given you sketches of Obama promising everyone free unicorns and puppies and rainbows or what have you.

Hillary was given the same kid glove treatment.  Surely there were some sketches with Hillary doing unsavory deals while Bill chases babes around Chappequa.

Put your political leanings aside.  Make fun of both sides.  If you do, you’ll a) make both sides laugh instead of one and b) the side that’s pissed at your joke will (at least they should) respect you as a non-hack when you make fun of the other side and vice versa.

Really.  Are you in it to be a cheerleader or to be a comedian?  1990s SNL writers lapped up laughs at the expense of both political parties.  2008 to present SNL chose sides and left 50 percent of potential laughs lying on the floor.  That’s a lot of laughs to miss out on.

Where am I going with this?  In this chapter, I make fun of social justice warriors.  I don’t want to spoil it, but there’s a lot of talk about therapy puppies, therapy coloring books, safe spaces, trigger warnings, telling everyone that they’re literally worse than Hitler.  Paul, Britney and Chad end up getting chased by college protestors because Paul dared to, as he put it, “offer a nuanced opinion.”

“I offered a nuanced opinion and now I’m a dead man!”   What a great line Paul says as the mob of angry SJWS chases him with pitchforks and torches.

Nuanced opinion?  I agree with you mostly, but have reservations when it comes to x, y and z issue.  Oh no.  Don’t offer a nuanced opinion.  100 percent agreement or bust or get away from me, fascist.

I worried about writing this chapter.  I made fun of college protestors and they aren’t known for having a good sense of humor.  But then later on the book, I’ll make fun of a certain crazy haired president so….really…if you want the most laughs, make fun of both sides.  If you don’t, you’re leaving 50 percent of your potential laughs on the cutting room floor.


Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 5 – First Theme – Put Love Over Sex (And Find Love Early)


Two Key Themes Here:

FIRST – putting love over sex.

Readers, this might come to you as a shock, but when I was young, I struck out with the ladies all the time.  I had a better chance of winning the money lotto than I did winning the poon lotto, let me tell you.

I got dumped and rejected left and right in my early twenties but oddly enough, in my late twenties, there were a few nice women who were interested in yours truly.  Looking back, that makes sense.  My parents’ generation got married early.  My generation doesn’t start thinking about tying the knot until at least the late 20s, if that.

Idiot that I was, I let all those nice women fly the coop.  See, I was young (in retrospect, I wasn’t but my brain was that of a man child I suppose) and I thought that surely, my life would change for the better.  I’d make a lot of money. I’d become rich and successful.  I’d fix all the bodily flaws that make me lack confidence.  And then it would be babe city.

Really.  I thought I was doing these nice women a favor by going solo and waiting for my big time success and my super fly supermodels to start rolling in.

SPOILER ALERT: they never rolled in.  I know.  A guy writing a blog about a book about a toilet gator?  Hard to believe.

End result is I’m now in my late 30s, way too close to 40.  Never been married.  I doubt I’ll ever have kids.  I still hold out hope but now my biological clock is ticking and I know it will be a matter of time before a) my junk starts shooting spiders instead of primo baby making juice and b) I’ll get so old that if I have a baby, I’ll change the baby’s diapers and then the baby will change my diapers.

I never had that wild, crazy sex lifestyle like Chad had.  When I was young, I wanted it.  I think in our minds, we all want that but that’s just a lifestyle that only happens for a very select few people.

Really, it saddens me it took me till almost 40 to realize that the best you can hope for is someone who has a similar personality, similar interests, someone who is loyal and hey, the good news is that you’ll get regular sex out of it.  The bad news is it is sex with the same person but the good news is that it isn’t like a train of people are waiting to have sex with you so…be real.  It’s this one person that’s willing to see you naked without barfing or its your hand for the rest of your days.  Use your brain.

Ironically, Chad does live that hot sex with a different babe every night lifestyle…but as he reaches his late 20s (10 years on that 2 year degree), you can tell he regrets his choices.  He had Britney.  He loved her.  But he couldn’t control himself.  So he got it on with other chicks.  Fun at the moment but then these dalliances just become a distant memory.  Britney would have been there for him day in and day out and Chad realizes that and feels bad about it now.

Bottomline:  Whether you can actually pull off the sex with multiple partners all the time lifestyle, or you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that will come, sex with one person you connect with for the long haul is the way to go.

You don’t realize it now.  We never learn what we did wrong until it’s too late.  When you are young, you think you’ll be young forever.  Trust me.  However ugly you think you are now, you will never be as good looking as you are now.  When you are 40, you will wish you looked like you do now.

And whatever shortcomings you think your dates have now, that’s nothing compared to the dating pool when you’re 40.  People in their 20s and 30s are still hoping for a happy ending.  People in their late 30s and 40s are just happy if they can find someone who isn’t on drugs and isn’t going to cut out their kidneys and sell them to the Japanese Yakuza.

Seriously.  No joke.  I’m almost 40 and after every date, if I wake up the next morning in my bed and not in the tub filled with ice and a note and a phone and the note says call 911 and the Yakuza owns my kidneys now, then I figure that date was a winner and I’ll call her to go out again.

Don’t be like Chad…or me.  Don’t delude yourself into thinking that multiple trysts = bliss.  Focus your efforts on finding one soulmate.  It’s not the quantity.  It’s the quality.

Find love while you have options.  I don’t care if that girl’s breath stinks.  Get her a mint and commit because damn it, you do not want to see what you’ll be dating at 40.  Just don’t.  I did it for you, OK?  I took the bullet so you don’t have to.


Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 4


Why are the hot ones always taken?

I think this chapter captures youthful angst and in particular, that notion that we can wipe out our default personalities and hold ourselves out to the world, not as the person we are but who we wish the world would see as us.  Maybe those people are one and the same, though the world often will not agree with our self-interpretations.

For example, Declan the hipster has got his hipster clothes on, his hipster music.  Everything about him is obscure and he likes it that way.

Meanwhile, Darnella is a Goth chick who has concocted a back story in which she has promised herself to a demon and thus can’t accept Declan’s offer to go get an artisanal scone.

I suppose every generation has had its posers, people who pretend to be more interesting than they are, but that trend seems to have expanded with the millennials, seeing as how everyone can now document and promote their eccentricities on social media.

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 3


Out of all three of the initial toilet murder victims, I had the most fun writing Chad’s story.

The dude is 28, working on his tenth year of a two-year college degree.  What would have been a relatively short period of time devoted to education ended up being a decade long quest because the man (or man child) can’t stop drinking and partying and won’t focus on finishing his degree requirements.

I suppose in many ways, Chad is an avatar for any adult who refuses to put away the past, to put away childish things, who wants that youthful, carefree party lifestyle to last forever.

In reality, partying till you puke is barely a good look for the young, but you get why they do it because they’ve never had that much freedom before.  As you get older, partying till you puke becomes just plain sad.

Chad’s friends Britney and Paul get wrapped into it.  Britney is the voice of reason.  Paul must comply with his role as frat beermeister.

This chapter was hard to write.  Lots of moving parts.  On one part of the dance floor, you had the chug fest.  On the other side, you had woke lesbians Gretchen and Eleanor, dancing away to rapper Stank Daddy.

I’ve had this joke in mind a long time and have long been waiting to work it into a story somewhere.  The joke is that a rapper starts rapping about abuse to women.  Two people wonder if they should be enjoying the song because its about abusing women.  One person says no, that’s not what the song is about at all, but then it becomes increasingly clear as the rapper continues that the song is indeed about abusing women.

I love rap music.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s just the beat and the rhythm and if you replace all the naughty lyrics with talk of milk and cookies, you’d get the same vibe.  I don’t know.  Let’s try it.  Someone write and perform a rap song about milk and cookies and get back to me.


Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 2


As you read the nursing home scene, here is, briefly summarized, what I believe to be the great ironic tragedy of life:

  • When you are young, your life is a clean slate.  You’ve got plenty of choices to make.  Life is ahead of you, so in theory, it’s not impossible that you might become a billionaire, an astronaut, an NFL quarterback, a celebrity or what have you.  Even if you’re not bound for glory, it’s still possible you might earn a decent living and start a nice family.  There are plenty of options and the world is, more or less, willing to give you a shot (though not always and feel free to discuss that in the comments, for I also realize in many ways, your life is basically all figured out for you before you turn 18, largely based on the circumstances of your birth.)
  • Basically, when you are young, you are forced to make so many important choices about your life at a time when you know little about life or who you are as a person. You go based on what the adults tell you.  You assume it will all work out.
  • When you are older, you know more about the ins and outs of life.  You know what you did wrong.  You know what you’d do if given another chance.  But the chance won’t come now.  The world shouldn’t shut you out because you’re old but it does.
  • In short, when you’re young you’ve got the choices, but when you’re old you’ve got the knowledge of how to make good choices yet are stuck with the choices you made.

Worse, as we see with the residents of Geriatric Oaks, the mind is often willing but the flesh is weak.  Well, Mr. Bromstein and Mr. Rodriguez might have another go at life if their bodies would agree, but then again, Mr. Petersen’s mind isn’t there.

As for Mrs. Nelson, she suffers from old person mouth disease, i.e. when you reach a certain age, you lose your filter.  It’s not like you have any more job interviews coming up so you might as well be as rude as possible and who cares if that hurts your reputation?

Not saying all old people do that.  Honestly, in many ways, how you were when you were young will determine how you act when you are old.  This may not be the case always but generally, if you’re a young dick, you’ll become an old dick.  Then again, you might be a young nice person who grows old, gets jaded and then the regrets turn you into a dick.

Aging sucks, both for the old people and the young people who have to take care of them.  I’ve done more than my fair share of taking care of old people in my life and it can be sad to watch.

Moral of the story?  If you’re a young reader faced with choices, picture yourself at 40.  Will you be happy with the choices you made?

Save money.  Work hard.  Get experience.  And find someone based on moral character and similar interests and values.  That’s more positive advice than you ever thought you’d get on a blog about toilet gators.

Finally, put on your Mr. Petersen tin foil hat and tell me your favorite conspiracy theory in the comments.

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Chapter 1


And now it begins!

I have to give it to Natalie Brock.  She has a lot of chutzpah.  If you want to make it in journalism, you have to go up against dicks like Countess Cucamonga’s manager, Irving St. John.  What a weasel.

Here, I’m also lampooning celebrities who act like they are able to change the world just because they, as a famous person, are saying something.  Is it because they care or is it because they want the exposure necessary to keep their careers going?

Well, you be the judge.  Frankly, I think the Countess makes a good argument vis a vis her butt’s ability to bring about world peace.

What do you think about the prospects of butt peace?  Discuss in the comments.

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Network News One – Transcript #1


One of the characters in this book is Natalie Brock, an average looking woman trying to make it in a field filled with beautiful made for TV types.

If you’re a news junkie like me, you’ll know there’s one network that features a whole lot of blonde, ample bosomed reporter ladies.  Not that it’s easy to get on any network these days unless you look like a model, but one network in particular really went all in on this one.

No offense to the ladies on this network, but I tend to find they are all interchangeable.  I never remember their names.  I’m not sure most viewers do either.  Thus, in my mind, Network News One was born and became the network that local affiliate channel reporter Natalie is trying to break into.

You’ll notice in this transcript (actually, not yet but more so as the story moves along) that all the female reporters on this network are referred to “Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties.”

Literally.  That’s what they are called by anchorman Kurt Manley.  “For more on this story, let’s go to a hot ass blonde chick with big titties.”

That’s how they refer to themselves.  “Hello, Kurt.  A hot ass blonde chick with big titties here at the…”

That’s pretty much the joke.  There are so many hot blonde big breasted women on this channel that you get lost in all the blonde hair and big boobs and you forget their names altogether.  At least I do.  Poor Natalie. She will have her work cut out for her.

We’re introduced to Kurt Manley, who, well, is a bit of a dick.  I’ll go more into him in future notes.

We’re also introduced to Countess Cucamonga, a famous pop star known for her fabulous butt.  There was a year this decade, I want to say it might have been 2014, where there were so many butt songs.

Jason Derulo singing, “You know what to do with that big fat butt.”

Iggy and J-Lo doing their Gen-X/millennial butt duel.

Don’t even get me started on Nicki Minaj’s butt.

And more.  The butt songs have really been cranking out this decade.  So, I let Countess Cucamonga get in on the fun.

Got any questions or comments about this transcript?  Leave them in the comments.

Toilet Gator Chapter Notes


Hey 3.5 readers (assuming my 3.5 readers from followed me over here.)

I’m in the final lap of getting Toilet Gator ready for self-publication.  The final draft is with my editor as we speak, and I hope to have this book out next year.

In the meantime, I’m giving my final draft one more look-over, in the hopes I might find and fix those little things that drive us writers crazy.  Truly, a scribe’s work is never done.  In fact, “last draft” might be a misnomer as I’m sure I’ll be going over the draft again and again before my editor gives me the final copy and I throw it up on Amazon.

As I check the draft, I’m going to write some notes on each chapter.  You won’t really know what these notes mean because you haven’t read the book yet.  However, when you do read the book, you’ll be able to stop by and find out what I was thinking when I wrote this book.

Then again, the book is about a murderous toilet gator who eats people on the toilet while they are pooping, so maybe you don’t want any insights as to whatever deep, dark region of my brain this idea poured out of.