Toilet Gator Chapter Notes – Network News One – Transcript #2


Poor Natalie.  She’s back to get more abuse from Kurt.

Here’s where we see the whole “Hot Ass Blonde Chick with Big Titties” joke take shape.  Kurt interviews two HABCWBT’s for two separate stories, and we get the impression that basically, only beautiful blonde women with buxom bazongas are allowed to report on Network News One.

Kurt’s an open misogynist, letting Natalie have it for being average in appearance and makes fun of her lack of blonde hair and her small boobs.  I’m sure that men who are workplace pervs do their pervery in more subtle, less open ways but since this is a comedy, Kurt really lets it all hang out, openly mocking Natalie’s appearance.

Funny thing is I never pictured Natalie as ugly per se, just average. Normal.  Not a 10 but not a 1.  Somewhere in the middle.  Kurt’s just so used to 10s that anyone 9 and under disgusts him.

By the way, the key to the humor is that you have to imagine Kurt saying all these horrible things in his stereotypical news anchorman voice.

The NN1 formula develops.

#1 – We come in during a story in progress.  “Witnesses on the scene” are usually saying something.  A story about a boy who resorted to cannibalism, eating his classmates after a crash until help arrives.

#2 – Then come the HABCWBT’s.

#3 – Kurt signs off by telling everyone there is a product in their household that could kill them, so don’t do anything until you find out which product is going to kill you…but sit through the commercials and sports and weather first!

#4 – NN1 motto – “Network News One! The Hottest Blonde Chicks! The biggest titties! Oh yeah, and occasionally we report the news and shit!”

By the way, we learn about a conflict in a name with an unpronounceable country and the two warring factions have names that are also a mouthful.  The joke here is that there may be all sorts of intricate, historical reasons for why opposing factions in far off countries are fighting, but for the average American, it just sounds like, “Uh, those guys want to shoot RPGs up the butts of anyone who disagrees with them” and “Uh, those other guys want to hit people who disagree with them in the taint with a machete.”

The HABCWBT sums it up:

Scholars and historians have written extensively on the various nuances surrounding this conflict, but it all basically boils down to the fact that the Do-What-We-Say-or-Take-a-Machete-Up-Your-Taint-tarians believe that everyone should do exactly what they say or else take a machete up their taints, whereas the Obey-Us-or-Get-an-RPG-Up-the-Butt-ians maintain that the country’s citizens must obey them if they do not wish to suffer the indignity of getting rocket propelled grenades shot up their butts.

That’s basically it.  You’re an average American watching TV.  That war thousands and thousands of miles away sounds like, to you, “Uh two groups in a country with a name I can’t pronounce want to kill each other because they hate it when people don’t agree with them.”

Should America get involved in such conflicts?  Honestly, there was a time long ago where I might have said yes but the events of the past twenty years, if anything, have taught us that unfortunately, as much as we hate to see loss of life, these fires have to burn themselves out.

Unless we just want to take over the whole world and make it all like America (we couldn’t and we shouldn’t if we could) we’ll have to accept that bad things will keep happening around the world and getting involved just seems to add more fuel to the fire.


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